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Mr. Framer, the reviewer extraordinaire of Stereofiles magazines went to Australia for his vacations. “My God, those poor Australians live in a complete ignorance - Mr. Framer said, - and I’m confident that they desperately need a help form such an experienced marketing framer as I am.”
Upon returning from his virtual trip to Australia Mr. Framer wrote in his diaries:
August 2005. Australia. Sun, dust and crocodiles…
I see a tall bold man with face more intelegent then anyone ever written for my audio publication. The man is staying at his knees before a skinny kangaroo and is begging apology from the kangaroo: “Sorry, my jumpy, that I can not feed you. I am broken man who could not afford to buy you even a low-fat milk.” I approached to the man and asked his what was his problems. The man explained to me that he was a chief-designer of a Continuum Audio Company and that they manufacture some kind of audio turntables. The problem was that they can’t not sale their turntables because no one ever heard about them. In additional the $50.000 that they ask for these turntables is too little price that hardly covers their manufacturing expenses. I was so touched with the man that I decided to help him.
“First off all,”- I explained to him, - “you misunderstood the neurons flow in the brains of your prospective customers. The audio people have accustomed to $20.000-50.000 high-tech turntables that sound like vacuum cleaners plugged into 220V instead of 120V. The audio people sick that no one does a good TT and they ready to a TT Messiah. However, they will not accept a Messiah for $50.000. I’m wiling to convince them that your TT is the Messiah but you should rise the price to $65.000, commit yourself for 5 years of prepay advertising in my beloved publication, promise never push back any accommodation for anyone who will feed you in industry, find yours US-based destitution-pimp, and keep those $15.000 mark-up as disposable sum for the industry interests. In return I will facilitate for you a ride across the valets of the Morons-Yankee who have between their ears juts a pile of extra cash instead of brain”
The man was hesitant for a second and then asked me: “Would you like to hear my TT first and get some idea about it’s sound?”
“Fuck the Sound” - I replied – “Rankin Fitch said that the verdicts are too important to be left for juries, so is your turntable. A Messiah is not something that is coming but something about what people got informed. Your job is to glue those stupid turntables and shut up. My job is to make hoodlums out there to believe in those damn turntables. If you do not like the rules of the game than your kangaroo will die from starvation and your turntables will be used for nothing else then the helicopters drops on the alligator’s heads during the hunting season.”
Yes, I understand”, - the man was blabbering, -“but you see I have some ides how to make the turntables…
“Oh, shat up!” - I interrupted him, - “if you do not sign this damn stupid turntable right now to the approved by me distributor than I will shoot this ugly kangaroo right it her face!” I pulled my Magnum 45 and stack it right into the dripping mouth of that kangaroo. The Continuum designer scream: “I agree, agree, Your Honor.” We shacked the hands and I gave him $5 to feed his kangaroo. He grabbed it and ran to a nearby 7/11. Then, I called to my editor and informed him: “Hey, our next magazine issues is look like is taken care. I found another one. Thanks God a sucker is born every minute …”
Read from the Michael Fremer’s dairies by
Romy the caT |