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I was listening yesterday the Karajan 1976 performance of Bruckner 5 with Berlin Philharmonic. It is one of the greatest fifth I know off and I love it tremendously.  I am not sure what happened but I think I lost consciousness listing the performances. I had many interesting Bruckner experiences but this was different. First I felt that my chair is falling through the floor. I clearly lost the sense of gravity and the most important the sense of reference to anything. It was endless free fall, I was able to observe the world but I was absolutely not related to it - I was flying through out it. The meanings got own firm irrelevantly-momentary values and I had no awareness or interest of the souse or destination of my fall. I was not scared, not curios, not empress with my fall and my feelings – anything applicable to any being sentiments did not exist. I was just a “something” that was falling and I did not know what that “something” was.

Was Bruckner’s music present in my fall? This is hard to say. I listen Bruckner with many people and I do not see many others who engage with Bruckner music as I do. Audio idiots mostly listen for loud sounds and those retards mostly clueless what else it might be. Music people are listed for phrasing and sonority, for harmonious play and idiosyncrasy of interpretations. There is nothing wrong with it but Bruckner might be much more….  Anyhow, was Bruckner’s music present in my fall? I do not think it was but I clearly remember that the fall’s intensity was modulated by something external. Was it Bruckner music? I think it was but I do not remember that I had any musical sensation during the fall.

So, it was one of many my great Bruckner experiences, what was different this time? Well, this time what I got to the Erath I was clearly nonconscious. I knew who I was and where I was but I was not able to move or speak. I was semi-laying, pressed in my listening chair, listening how Berlin Philharmonic crashing through the Finale of the Fifth and then an amazing question raised in my head: What happened with my ability to move – it is that I am disabled to move or I do not want to move. The movement itself was not even the subject but that amazing sharpness of difference and similarity of the notions “can” and “want”!  Suddenly the “can” and “want” appear to me in their new ever-linked definitions. In the end I decided, I clearly made cognitive decision that I am OK do not move and I was not bothered but it. I was not filing my hands and my legs; in fact I did not feel my body at all – I clearly did not need it at that time. Then I decided to move. I clearly remember that it was definitive decisions of my mind to employ my body. It was like starting an engine – suddenly many small parts begin to do something and my control over my body was reinstated.

The symphony was over in a few minutes. I lit up my cigar and for quite long time was sitting in my chair to thinking about different meaning of “can” and “want”.

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